Are You A Burden;
Okay, so I know the title isn’t really all that it is cracked up to be. I had a little trouble finding the best title I could for this. I think when it comes to having any kind of illness, or getting sick you can feel like a burden at any given moment. As for me, I feel like one 24/7. I am not sure if any of you can relate and if you can, I am so sorry for what you may be going through, but know you are not alone. We are never alone in this journey even though it can be the most isolating and loneliest to go through.
The Start of Feeling Like a Burden;
My day begins much different than quite a few people around me. I have several alarms that are set for several different to-dos that I have to BE SURE I NEVER FORGET. I wake up, take my blood pressure, my temp, my weight, and then my pulse. It is all recorded on a machine I have in my home. I then get all my intravenous medications out. Now, this is one of the biggest parts where I feel like an annoying, burden and nuisance to my family. I have several medications that go in the fridge, and because there are so many, they take up A LOT of room. I have a whole station in my kitchen and living room that is all for medical purposes. My house has become a hospital or a doctors office pretty much.
The Thoughts That Won’t STOP
I am embarrassed to have people over. What will they think of me? What will they think of all of this in the house? This is not normal. Will they ever speak to me again?? There are so many thoughts that go through my head on the regular, I am surprised it hasn’t exploded from all the weird and crazy things I think? Although, my life is anything but normal. Showing people that, scares them and I have lost very many friends because of it. I wrote a blog about friendship last year and that was one of the hardest posts I have ever had to write. I think this might be another one, but I truly believe it is important to get this out there.
“You don’t belong here!” “You are filfthy”, “Why, would anyone want to be around you”, “You are fat, ugly, and annoying.” Oh, so many words, that satan tries to put into my mind, and well sometimes gets away with. These are some of the biggest ones. Do I belong here? Would everyone just be better off if I was gone? I don’t have any friends, because I am annoying? Who wants to hear stories about the sick girl? Who wants to hear about her day, when it is always the same?
Would They Be Better Off?
This… this right here is where I lose it. Do you ever feel like the biggest burden, you wonder if your loved ones lives would be better if you weren’t in it?? I always, always feel like a burden! Now, don’t get me wrong, I have an incredible support team. My husband is amazing, and tries to be there in any way he can. I also have an amazing mom, who does everything for me… sometimes too much. She goes above and beyond. But,… its just that. Because of me their lives have to be changed, they have to accommodate to me.
They Have To All Be Sick Of Me…
I know that my family, in laws and friends have to be sick of me. I have heard rumors and people tell me that I am annoying, and that they even question if I am really sick? My family, friends, and especially my husband deserve better than to have to deal with me and what I have going on. This is my rock to carry, I shouldn’t make them have to help me.
There are some days, when I cannot walk, and need to carried or lifted up. There are times when I cannot lift my head, or even eat… and my loved ones have to watch that. There are times when I have an episode that I don’t even know where I am, or even who my husband is. HE should not have to go through that? He signed up to marry me, but he did not sign up for this? This place of disgust I have for myself, this place of emptiness. Like I am fighting this battle alone, no one knows what is going on inside my body or my head. Every time I look at them, I feel like I am ruining their lives time and time again.
What Do You Do?
How do you tell them this, without hurting them, or making them feel like they did this to you? How do you tell them, that they would truly be better off without you?, when you know that they love you so much and continue to show it. How do you stop letting the hurt that others have done to you dictate how you feel about people in your future?? How do you stop feeling like a burden, nuisance, feeling annoying around everyone your with? Do you just stop talking? Do you just stop coming around? So many questions, that I just want the answers to!
I tried to just stop coming around certain people, and guess what you guys? This has actually helped a lot, those people that don’t care what is going on with me, because it is just to much for them? Or they just don’t think that anything is wrong with me. When I stopped going around them, I actually started to feel better. I think sometimes we have to take people out of our lives, or just back away in order to help ourselves. Although, and I ask myself this and get asked this by people quite a bit too. What do you do when those people are family?? Sometimes, it is hard to step away from family, I get it. But when you are sick, and you need to help yourself through the mess, the best thing to do at the time is think of you. Yes, you might think :”How selfish”, or “how arrogant”. But, believe me this does help.
I have felt like a huge burden and an annoying person for so long. If I didn’t have my faith in God as much as I do, I am not even sure I would be here right now. Feeling alone, and feeling like a burden is one of the hardest things to cope with when your “no cure sick.” Now, did I write all this to tell you that it will get easier? Did I write this post for you guys to gain some understanding, and bring awareness to a situation you, yourself may be going through? YES!! The answer is yes to both. Feeling this way can be so painful and so tiring on our bodies, and sometimes are illness is enough of that already. We shouldn’t make things 10x worse on ourselves because we constantly feel this way.
Steps to get you through it;
Here are some steps that I try to follow when someone is making me feel like I am a burden, or I am making myself feel like one. When you are feeling isolated!
- I pray! I know, this sounds cliche and something that everyone probably says, but truly it helps! I let the Lord know that I cannot do it on my own! That I am scared, and this battle is getting to hard to fight!
- I listen to music, inspirational music! Sometimes this is christian music, sometimes it is a song like “not ready to make nice” by the dixie chicks because I am just not in the mood to be nice to people today.
- I try my very best, to give myself affirmations. I tell myself “your husband loves you, he married you and he is still on your side, don’t think that!” I tell myself “they don’t understand what you are going through, take it easy on them.”
- I step away from the situation, or people that may be causing me to feel this way about myself. Know and find who your true friends are! Not sure how to know?? Let me tell you this! These are the ones that have stuck by your side since the very beginning, the ones that don’t roll their eyes when you tell them you are not getting any better. The ones that honestly want to be around you and ask how you are doing? These are true friends. Not the ones that, say mean things about you and your illness behind your back. Not the ones that act like they are better than you every chance they can get. Not the ones that compare what your going through to a family member of theirs, or to wait for it, because this one is my favorite…. CANCER. What you have going on is just as hard, you are fighting a fight that has no cure. Yes, don’t get me wrong cancer is awful, it is horrible, it is something I hate with everything I have inside of me, but and don’t take this the wrong way.. it is not the only thing that hurts! The ones that are truly compassionate and truly care are your friends, and whether that is one or two, that is fine. I only have a couple, and I know these ones will always be there for me! I never have to worry who I am around them.
- “FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT” If you have to do this around those people, are they really people you want to be around?? I have had to learn this for myself, and it took some time, but if I am not having a good day and I am around them, how would they react?? If it is in a mean or a bad way, I know I don’t want to be around them. Again, this is hard if its your family, because to me family is everything! Although, sometimes and I hate to say it, it is best to take a step back! Miss a few parties, don’t try and reach out to them, if they won’t reach out to you.
- Remember that you are LOVED! If you want to hear how loved you are by your father, click this link for a youtube video called the “Fathers love letter.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIspSTEHM2U&t=80s
- If I have a moment where I just do not feel loved and cared for, I watch this video or I listen to Misty Edwards, “What does love look like.”
- No matter what you are facing, you are not ALONE! As isolating and painful as chronic illness is, don’t put yourself in the position to feel alone! If you do feel alone, please reach out to me, because I have those feelings myself sometimes.. As you can see above! If you don’t want to reach out to me, Talk to someone else, anyone, it will help!